We Are Married So Is It Rape?

I’ve been married for a little over 3 years and I dated my husband for 9 months before we got married, and during our married life together we’ve been happy, well I had been happy.

The problems began about a year into our marriage, despite the fact that I am a sexually active woman when I want to have sex, I have seasons of high sexual libido, sometimes I am so hungry for sex and can’t get enough of it, other times; I have absolutely no interest in sex.  I had made my husband aware of this before we married and he seemed to have no problem with it, but post marriage, he’s behavior became strange.

The first time it happened was about 9 months into the marriage, I was getting ready for bed and when he came to me I told him I just wasn’t feeling it, he’s response was ‘I’m your husband  you always have to feel it’, I decided for the sake of peace to get on with it and we had sex. After this he didn’t make any demands on me and we had sex as and when with no more tension if I was not in the mood.

However things took a turn after about 3 months when again I was not feeling sexual and he wanted to have sex. This time I was adamant that I did not want to and to be honest after a stressful few days at work I really wasn’t in the mood.  Again he said that he is my husband and that I must be in the mood, I refused and he held me down, started kissing me on the mouth, the breast, and even went down on me.  When he then wanted to penetrate me I said no, that I did not want this, but he did penetrate.

At first I was very traumatized by the whole thing, feeling that if I said no it meant no, but I spoke to some friends and they listed the following reasons why its couldn’t be rape:

·        I was married, so I am obligated to give sex to my husband to keep him from temptation

·         I was wet and aroused so I must have wanted to have sex

·         He went down on me, most husbands don’t go down on their wives after marriage so he must really love me

·         He wants to have sex with me why am I being prudish

Since then I am resigned to at least once in 2 months, having sex with my husband in this manner even though I say no and more and more, I feel that something is not right. At the same time I don’t want to lose my husband because my sex drive does not tally with his.

The above was a case that was brought to me by a patient who is not sure if she is being abused or not, however she feels something is wrong. I am opening the case up to you, what do you think?