They’re Baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk – Return of the Exes

Have you ever had this experience, you’re sitting in your house, and suddenly you get a phone call or, text or BB and it’s an ex. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just that your ex called you, it’s a variety of things, maybe you no longer have their number, maybe the relationship ended badly or alternately maybe it was as good as a relationship could end, but you moved on and suddenly what started out as a ‘hi how are you doing’ ends up being a bitter battle of recriminations and shouting.

What we will discuss today is how to handle the return of the ex, regardless of what they bring with them.

Angry Ex

The angry ex tends to be one of those irrational people who despite having broken up with them months, years ago they still harbor either some messed up idea of ‘how you wronged them’ or alternatively ‘how you must have cheated on them’ or worse still ‘how you were really not good enough for them, but you know if you are desperate we can get back together’. Regardless of which ex you have, these people have either a real anger or perceived anger towards you and maybe they took the wrong amount of sugar that day or they found out by luck you are happy, these people will suddenly be blasting up your phone like end times have come.

Stopping the angry Ex – The angry ex has issues, there’s no rationalizing with them, it would be like trying to understand why crazy becomes crazy, so your choices are simple.

• Listen to them – I know why listen to them? The truth is that if the relationship ended badly because you were at fault, you need to listen to them and deal with it. It could be that because of your behavior this ex cannot move on, and they need closure, so you listen, don’t say anything and after they vent tell them you will call them back when you have had time to think about it.  Now this is the most important bit, you have to call back not to shout but to apologise, sometimes the only way to get rid of your anger and your negative feeling about this ex, is to deal with it and let it go, don’t hang on to negative feelings.

• Put the phone on silent and get on with your life – Some people have too much money and if they choose to get on the phone and vent for whatever reason and you don’t want to drop the phone on them (I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to but that’s an issue for deeper discussion), let them get it out of their system and at least you can move on without seeming like a heartless wench or bastard.

• Delete them – Now I don’t mean delete them like hire a gunperson to rub them out, I mean as soon as you know that this random person is blasting up your bb or phone line, just use the delete button on your phone and remove them from your life, remember it’s only the person who you give time that can annoy you.

• Mark them stalker/ angry ex – Simple save them on your phone as stalker/ angry ex and don’t pick up the phone when they call. This works if you want to know if their angry self is calling you or if its a friend with a similar number or name.  There’s nothing worse than blowing a whistle down the line and it turns out it’s your mum on the other end of it.

Wanna get by back together Ex 

I don’t care who you are, we all have one of these, those sad sorts who after you explained WHY you cannot date them anymore, they think you are just playing a silly game and want to get back with you (of course they could just want you back for a booty call). Getting rid of these people is simple but you have to be strong or else you will end up with a stalker following you everywhere you go and  cock/pussy blocking, as they exclaim to everybody who cares to listen (including the potential new partner) that you are not over them.  These exes are also known as clingy exes.

Removing the cling – it’s simple and you have to be strong as I said above, you have to say NO! Firmly, without fuss and be willing to stick to your guns.

• Don’t pick up their phone calls
• Don’t hang out where they hang out
• Don’t answer their BB pings, in fact delete them from your bb

Now some people will tell you that it’s childish to do the above, but until you have had an ex who has turned NO into YES in their messed up twisted head, and bearing in mind you are in Nigeria where you don’t have stalker rights, I suggest drastic action.

Psycho Ex

Those who have never had a psycho ex, are so lucky, but for the unfortunate few who have, you know that Fatal Attraction was not just a movie, it was an autobiography. The psycho ex is that person who knows how to break into your house and spend the night watching you sleep without evidence and then when you wake up you find a note on the pillow next to you saying ‘I love watching you sleep’.

These psychopaths, don’t boil bunnies, they find out where your parents live, go and visit them and tell them that you are engaged, and start planning a wedding while you are just living your life.

They are the stupid idiots who smash your car window, key your car or worse still let out all the air in your 4 tyres and then when you are in a rush to get to work in the morning roll up with their smarmy grin asking if you want a lift. (Personally I’ll rather take a ride on a crocodile, but then again that’s just me)

Getting rid of these psychos is not a small something o!

To be honest and I try to always be with you, the only way to get rid of them is as follows:

• Change your phone
• Change your house
• Inform your friends and family of this person and ask them to refuse them entry into the house
• Post pictures of them everywhere you can find with the words, ‘if I die young, of suspicious circumstances, this is the person who is responsible’.
• In fact if you can afford to move country, hell forget country change continent. 5-10 years outside of the person’s continent will give them enough time to cool their ardor.

Emotional Vampire Ex

Finally the Emotional Vampire Ex, these exes who you end things on a good term with, maybe you’re even friendly with each other. You can stand seeing each other and in fact you still speak to each other in person and on the phone, the only problem is that they seem to be sucking you dry emotionally.

It started with a simple complaint about their life, and you still being a friend are there for them, before long, these soul sucking arses are on you for every form of emotional support, in fact it gets so bad that even when they are in a new relationship, they call you to complain about the relationship and ask your advice, and you the moo moo gives it to them. The problem is that they now go to the new partner and tell what you said (twisting it of course) causing you grief and then they run back to you to say, nobody understands them.

These narcissistic evil people will even go so far as to be friends with your new partner to show we are all good, except they will be poisoning the well with their veiled innuendos and evil insinuations. They will never be satisfied until they suck you dry and then they turn around and say, ‘you never really cared about me’.

The only way to get rid of vampires (other than garlic, crosses, holy water) is to pretend they don’t exist. I know you all broke up on friendly terms, but you know why you broke up, it’s because they were wearing you out emotionally even then, and despite everything you did, it was never enough.

Yes your mother raised you better than that, your father said you can catch more flies with honey, but I’m sorry, it’s time to leave mummy and daddy at in the play pen and carry your own palava, and deal with them.

 

• Be brutal - tell them you have moved on and you don’t have time for this
• If they try to become friends with your current partner – warn you partner and be clear you will not be dealing with the fall out
• If they move to stalking, cut off all communications.

Now I’m sure there are many men out there saying this is just for the women, but please let me assure you, this is an equal opportunity exes list!