How to fall in Love with Sense

Love is in the air, well that’s how the song goes and as we go into the Valentine season and many people are breaking up to avoid paying for astronomical valentine presents, while others are being very unimaginative and planning to propose on the day, irrespective of what your plans are, this edition is all about helping you FALL in Love sensible. Who said PM is not romantic!

So love as we all love to tell ourselves is the chemical reaction that makes us dizzy with anticipation, that makes our panties wet and our organs stand to attention, but have you ever wondered if you are really in love or just having an allergic reaction. What happens when those feelings go away and all that’s left is this faint sense of having gotten the short end of the stick? Well, while I cannot help you deal with the Chemistry of it all, since it’s all Biology, what I can help you do it go through a few things to help you know if you are in love or if you just have food poisoning.

• I’m falling in Love!

I have said this a million times before if you are FALLING in love, you are not IN Love, you just have a balance issue. Walk into love with your eyes wide open, see the faults, real and imagined accept them if you want to, but don’t make the excuse that Love FORGIVES all things, it doesn’t. Most of the time Love looks at all things, decides which weapon would be best for smashing your brain in, agrees that it would be fun to do so, but takes a deep breath and realizes things could be worse.

• My Love is perfect!

Love is not perfect, its changeable and sometimes icky, secrets are revealed and confessions made. If you HOLD your Love on a pedestal you are bound to get disappointed because people are not perfect and whatever you put on a pedestal at the slightest shake will most likely fall and break. Hold on to the wonderful difference that is your love and only when you can deal with the disappointment and still see them as lovely they are, then you know you are in love.

• My sex keeps my Love strong!

Yes many of us have mistaken good sex (ok great mind-blowing, out of this world sex) as love. Unfortunately most to the people who give us that type of sex are not always fully sane, just a by note, and despite the wonderful SEX we get it isn’t love, it’s just this person who knows how to turn you on. Chances are if they know how to turn you on, they know how to turn a million other people on, sometimes its practice makes perfect or sexual compatibility but it’s not the basis of love. Love should exist even on the days when the sex is not that good, it should exist on the days when you are not feeling it but you do it because you know one day soon the other person won’t be feeling it, but they would do it just for you.

• Temper tantrums and passionate make ups make my Love interesting!

Yeah!

If your love is based on behaving like a child looking for attention and when they don’t get it they throw a hissy fit in the supermarket, then I can assure you that’s not love, that’s a SILLY child who still believes that daddy or mummy will love me more because I’m so cute, ain’t nothing cute about a grown arse person behaving like a brat.

While love is patient etc, and people have varying bullshit acceptability level, short of role playing the role of a brat during sex games, grow up! Love is about being able to have a rational discussion, compromising when there is a need for it and most of all leaving the brattish behavior to any child you have.

As you go through this valentine season, and WALK into Love, remember that a great present will always dry tears (except if you did something very stupid then only God has your back), attention and affection is not just for one day, if for ALL days and finally since I’m alone for Vals day I’m accepting presents! So send them down LOL! 

They’re Baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk – Return of the Exes

Have you ever had this experience, you’re sitting in your house, and suddenly you get a phone call or, text or BB and it’s an ex. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just that your ex called you, it’s a variety of things, maybe you no longer have their number, maybe the relationship ended badly or alternately maybe it was as good as a relationship could end, but you moved on and suddenly what started out as a ‘hi how are you doing’ ends up being a bitter battle of recriminations and shouting.

What we will discuss today is how to handle the return of the ex, regardless of what they bring with them.

Angry Ex

The angry ex tends to be one of those irrational people who despite having broken up with them months, years ago they still harbor either some messed up idea of ‘how you wronged them’ or alternatively ‘how you must have cheated on them’ or worse still ‘how you were really not good enough for them, but you know if you are desperate we can get back together’. Regardless of which ex you have, these people have either a real anger or perceived anger towards you and maybe they took the wrong amount of sugar that day or they found out by luck you are happy, these people will suddenly be blasting up your phone like end times have come.

Stopping the angry Ex – The angry ex has issues, there’s no rationalizing with them, it would be like trying to understand why crazy becomes crazy, so your choices are simple.

• Listen to them – I know why listen to them? The truth is that if the relationship ended badly because you were at fault, you need to listen to them and deal with it. It could be that because of your behavior this ex cannot move on, and they need closure, so you listen, don’t say anything and after they vent tell them you will call them back when you have had time to think about it.  Now this is the most important bit, you have to call back not to shout but to apologise, sometimes the only way to get rid of your anger and your negative feeling about this ex, is to deal with it and let it go, don’t hang on to negative feelings.

• Put the phone on silent and get on with your life – Some people have too much money and if they choose to get on the phone and vent for whatever reason and you don’t want to drop the phone on them (I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to but that’s an issue for deeper discussion), let them get it out of their system and at least you can move on without seeming like a heartless wench or bastard.

• Delete them – Now I don’t mean delete them like hire a gunperson to rub them out, I mean as soon as you know that this random person is blasting up your bb or phone line, just use the delete button on your phone and remove them from your life, remember it’s only the person who you give time that can annoy you.

• Mark them stalker/ angry ex – Simple save them on your phone as stalker/ angry ex and don’t pick up the phone when they call. This works if you want to know if their angry self is calling you or if its a friend with a similar number or name.  There’s nothing worse than blowing a whistle down the line and it turns out it’s your mum on the other end of it.

Wanna get by back together Ex 

I don’t care who you are, we all have one of these, those sad sorts who after you explained WHY you cannot date them anymore, they think you are just playing a silly game and want to get back with you (of course they could just want you back for a booty call). Getting rid of these people is simple but you have to be strong or else you will end up with a stalker following you everywhere you go and  cock/pussy blocking, as they exclaim to everybody who cares to listen (including the potential new partner) that you are not over them.  These exes are also known as clingy exes.

Removing the cling – it’s simple and you have to be strong as I said above, you have to say NO! Firmly, without fuss and be willing to stick to your guns.

• Don’t pick up their phone calls
• Don’t hang out where they hang out
• Don’t answer their BB pings, in fact delete them from your bb

Now some people will tell you that it’s childish to do the above, but until you have had an ex who has turned NO into YES in their messed up twisted head, and bearing in mind you are in Nigeria where you don’t have stalker rights, I suggest drastic action.

Psycho Ex

Those who have never had a psycho ex, are so lucky, but for the unfortunate few who have, you know that Fatal Attraction was not just a movie, it was an autobiography. The psycho ex is that person who knows how to break into your house and spend the night watching you sleep without evidence and then when you wake up you find a note on the pillow next to you saying ‘I love watching you sleep’.

These psychopaths, don’t boil bunnies, they find out where your parents live, go and visit them and tell them that you are engaged, and start planning a wedding while you are just living your life.

They are the stupid idiots who smash your car window, key your car or worse still let out all the air in your 4 tyres and then when you are in a rush to get to work in the morning roll up with their smarmy grin asking if you want a lift. (Personally I’ll rather take a ride on a crocodile, but then again that’s just me)

Getting rid of these psychos is not a small something o!

To be honest and I try to always be with you, the only way to get rid of them is as follows:

• Change your phone
• Change your house
• Inform your friends and family of this person and ask them to refuse them entry into the house
• Post pictures of them everywhere you can find with the words, ‘if I die young, of suspicious circumstances, this is the person who is responsible’.
• In fact if you can afford to move country, hell forget country change continent. 5-10 years outside of the person’s continent will give them enough time to cool their ardor.

Emotional Vampire Ex

Finally the Emotional Vampire Ex, these exes who you end things on a good term with, maybe you’re even friendly with each other. You can stand seeing each other and in fact you still speak to each other in person and on the phone, the only problem is that they seem to be sucking you dry emotionally.

It started with a simple complaint about their life, and you still being a friend are there for them, before long, these soul sucking arses are on you for every form of emotional support, in fact it gets so bad that even when they are in a new relationship, they call you to complain about the relationship and ask your advice, and you the moo moo gives it to them. The problem is that they now go to the new partner and tell what you said (twisting it of course) causing you grief and then they run back to you to say, nobody understands them.

These narcissistic evil people will even go so far as to be friends with your new partner to show we are all good, except they will be poisoning the well with their veiled innuendos and evil insinuations. They will never be satisfied until they suck you dry and then they turn around and say, ‘you never really cared about me’.

The only way to get rid of vampires (other than garlic, crosses, holy water) is to pretend they don’t exist. I know you all broke up on friendly terms, but you know why you broke up, it’s because they were wearing you out emotionally even then, and despite everything you did, it was never enough.

Yes your mother raised you better than that, your father said you can catch more flies with honey, but I’m sorry, it’s time to leave mummy and daddy at in the play pen and carry your own palava, and deal with them.

 

• Be brutal - tell them you have moved on and you don’t have time for this
• If they try to become friends with your current partner – warn you partner and be clear you will not be dealing with the fall out
• If they move to stalking, cut off all communications.

Now I’m sure there are many men out there saying this is just for the women, but please let me assure you, this is an equal opportunity exes list!

4 things women do to lose their men!

I get a lot of grief from people asking why I only write for women, now I could get upset, because the blog is pretty balanced, showing the issues that face both men and women, but being the reasonable person I am, I try to give to everybody what they want.

To this end, I am writing about 4 things that women do to lose their man, get on their man’s nerve and generally cause men to give up either trying or even paying attention.

Its all about the money

My dear ladies, as I woman I am very well aware of the limits that are placed on us within or society, we cannot be too successful because we will threaten some man with what we have achieved, but at the same time no man wants a liability so we have to make sure we are also bringing home the bacon. Unfortunately with all things said and done we also don’t want to spend all our hard earned money taking care of responsibilities the men are meant to take care of, namely:

·         House

·         Car

·         Household appliances

·         Driver and house maid fees

·         School Fees

·         Our hair, nails, recharge card, phone upgrade fee to name a few.

So what happens when this is all women talk to men about, many men start to see the women as grasping, ungrateful, and I shudder as I type this, disrespectful.

Its not that a man doesn’t want you to earn your wages, he just doesn’t want to be bashed over the head with the money that you may or may not earn

Its not that he doesn’t want you to save your money, but give a guy a break, hes still paying his sister and brother’s school fees, not to mention the price of petrol has gone up

Its  not that he doesn’t want to pay for you to look gorgeous, but do you really have to by the Brazilian weave and the hooker false nails?

I always say this as a counselor, you have to balance your ideals with your reality and realize sometimes its not about the money its about what you can build together.

Attention deficit disorder

This is the process when a woman either gives too much or too little attention to her man. I know how to do you measure this dynamic attention matrix where you balance between crazy, psycho bitch and ice queen par excellence? This is a question greater women than i have asked (look at Queen Cleo, Cleopatra to you purists), but like all things to do with men, you have to watch your man and figure or his kink.

Some men are all about the outward expression of their love, the classic ‘she is my queen syndrome’, which is more, she is mine hands off, for some, it’s the more subtle looking under the eye lashes to gauge where you are going and who with.

The truth is that a man who wants you wants you, he will tell you in his words and deed and will also show his friends. Its not about him telling them that you are his, its in the way he behaves when he talks about you and how he talks about you.

Women if you are still waiting to find out how he feels about you, or even after you find out how he feels about you, please I beg you do NOT do the following:

·         Call him all the time – if the dude has a job, getting 5 phone calls from you in an hour and then a teary one asking why he did not pick up one phone call is not going to endear you to him. Call him in the morning on his way to work, make him know his is on your mind, in the afternoon when things are stressed, call him maybe help him calm down and in the evening, if you know he faces one of those horrible Lagos/ Nigeria traffic call him to help him pass the time. Finally at night, that time when freaky stuff can happen call him as well.

I right now I’m hearing, ‘with all this calling who will be paying the phone bill’, well if you are a smart woman, you have already figured out the withdrawal method from him, but at the same time, are you not working, take some of that salary and spend on speaking to him.

·         Accuse him all the time – the saying goes ‘denial is not only a river in Egypt’, women generally know when their man is cheating, when you choose to accept it is another thing altogether. So why will you accuse a man of cheating every day he’s 10 mins late, he doesn’t pick up your call or is hanging out with his friends. Don’t get me wrong, he might, but if you are always accusing him, the day he finally admits to it, he will tell you the following:

Since you never trusted me I figure I should give you a reason not to.

If your man is cheating and you know you can either confront him with the proof or leave, but constantly accusing him will not make it any better

Motherfection

Again as a woman I am sorry to say this, but 89% of men have a mummy fixation, and that means if you don’t do it like Mum you will face some unnecessary issues. Don’t get me wrong, any man who wants you to cook like mum, clean like mum and nurse like mum, had better go and stay home with mummy, but there is one basic that all men would like their girlfriend/ wives to be more like their mother, and that is in the unrequited affection (not love or passion) they receive.

Many men would tell you the food you cook is not like the way their mum used to make, they will also tell you don’t take care of the house, ‘just like mum’, personally I would advise you at this point to tell them to get their mother in the house to do it, however what mummy provides that you also need to provide is that sense of being truly tuned in to your man.  What this also means on the flip side is if you have ‘motherfection’, he is less likely to wonder or worry about your cooking etc.

Motherfection is the total and utter willingness to provide a listening ear, and an open heart even when he’s behaving like a wanker. It also means being able to tell him the truth without crowing, doing the I told you so dance and generally showing your arse (except of course if that’s how you all roll). Its loving him like whole heartedly without reservations, and any woman who knows men would tell you they are very sensitive creatures always in need of reassurance and affection.

Lying Game

Yes we all do it, say we are at hanging with friends when we are really having just quick drinks with that man who was so dashing and looks like a backup plan, or better yet, your boss but you know if you tell him he’ll go spare.

The issue though is that when and if you lie and he finds out, he can never trust what you say ever again because, he automatically thinks, if she’s lying about this, what else is she lying about !

Talking Dirty – Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced

So as a counselor one of the things I advise people on is to experiment with their partners, know themselves and try a little ‘talking dirty’.  You know what I mean, I’m sitting here in thongs, a red lacy bra and sky high red stilettos, just to get the blood pumping and have him on his way home before you finished the word stiletto. However I get many people telling me everything from, I don’t know how to talk dirty, what would people think of me, to others telling me that they are experts in the art of talking dirty.

Now talking dirty is like dirty dancing, it takes practice, determination and a willingness to fall on your backside a few times, but before we get into the intricacies of talking dirty, we first need to determine where you fall in the list, are you a beginner, intermediate or on the advanced level.

Beginner

Talking dirty beginners are an interesting breed, they are either the ones who have never talked dirty before and their speech is peppered with gaps, giggles (the unsexy ones), questions such as ‘is this really turning you on’, said with a slight sneer and a difficulty in description. Others have been talking dirty for years but never got the hang of it and either continue to do the above or bring reality into play by talking about what happened on the road, at work, the bills they have to pay etc. Talking dirty is about fantasy, you have to keep the fantasy going all the time. (this goes for men and women)

Intermediate

These growing dirty talkers, have been in the game enough to know its all about the fantasy, they are able to lay down the line, and titillate the senses, but sometimes can't gauge when to say the right words. So take for instance they might suddenly throw in an end game uhhhhhh when you should still be the middle description phase, sometimes this could be impatience, the other times its distraction. When talking dirty, you have to match yourself to your partner, in dirty talk as well as life its all about compromise and accommodation.

Advanced

For you to be an advanced dirty talker, you have been through the baptism of talk, you know how to start from the simple, querying the day, the feeling, the urge, to the middle, word stroking, touching on the things in the mind that turns your partner on, to the final push which is about maintaining that excitement pitch, to culminate in an explosion. Now some advanced parties use pictures as a stimulant, because when you get to a certain point its good see, however not every dirty talker does this for varying reasons, the least of which is if it’s about talking, let’s talk. Do remember though some people are more visual than others.

How to raise your stakes.

Beginner

If you are a beginner dirty talkers here are a few things to bear in mind

Get comfortable – its important to be physically comfortable when you are doing this, bearing in mind that this is new for you and you might be feeling uncomfortable,

Get visual cues – its sometimes difficult to get in the mood when you are not seeing what you are talking about so maybe get out that sexy bra and pant set. Get some of you toys out to get in the mood, and maybe get the picture of the person you are talking to, afterall its good to see what you are turning on.

Privacy – When you are starting out as a dirty talker, you have to have some privacy, there’s nothing more off putting than trying to talk dirty when a friend is making funny faces at you or some random person looks at you like you are the DEVIL!!!!!

Intermediate

As an intermediate, you are already past the wobbly bits of talking dirty, however you have to balance out your newfound skills with patience.

Patience – having gained this skill you need to be very aware of where the other person is, and be willing to take it as quickly or slowly as it will take to turn them on, remember even though they are getting turned on by what you are saying, sometimes its just as arousing to turn someone on as it is to be turned on.

Visual stimuli – if you are a visual person, its important to let your partner know this so that at this point you can start sending pictures at the interesting times to keep thing pumping.

Change things up – by now you have a script in your mind that you follow, kinda like the wham bam thank you ma/sir or talking dirty, but if you have been talking dirty to the same person for a while, you will need to change the script because like all things, it can become boring.

Advanced

You on the point, you know how to make a person come just by breathing people, I  don’t need to say too much for you, but to keep you on point and to help you in continuing to hone that skill, here are a few pointers.

Change things up – like intermediates, by now you have a script in your mind that you follow, change things up, keep the words, scintillating and evocative.

Pay attention – The thing with perfection is that sometimes we take it for granted so this being the case, you have to not be talking dirty all the time. You have to make sure that it’s not always about the talking, sometime you might actually want to get into bed, chair, wall, or wherever suits you to do the do, or as a friend said do the ‘gbon gbon’!