Dear Pink Mafia,
I was 7 when my father started raping me, he said that this
was my way of paying him back for having me and this continued until I was 13
years old and went to boarding house.
While I have dealt in some part with what happened to me
(there is still much to be done to help me understand what and why he did this)
the thing that I can’t get over after years of therapy is that during all this
time, my mother knew because I told her. Her response at the time was either to
beat me, to tell me to stop lying about my father or just ignoring me.
The issue came to a head during my father’s funeral (a day
that I wore a very short red dress to, to show my total and utter lack of
respect for the man) when I arrived and my mother flew into a rage because I was
not ‘dressed appropriately’. According
to her, I was disrespecting him and I was a whore afterall I am still unmarried
at 35 and a few other choice words were used to describe me, again we got into
an argument and I raised the point that during my childhood this man
systematically sexually abused me and undermined everything that I understand a
father and daughter relationship is meant to be and she knew.
Her response ‘it was the only way I could keep him and I always
knew you would leave me but he I could make stay and you helped’!
As you can imagine Pink Mafia, I am distraught, lost and quite
ready to murder the woman in her sleep. Please help.
Matricide on my mind
Dear Matricide,
I am so sorry that this happened to you. There is no excuse
for this to happen much less from your father and it turns out in full knowledge
of your mother, it is inexcusable on so many levels.
Reading over your mail, I cannot ask you to forgive and
forget because there are scars that have been inflicted on you by these people that
cannot be dealt with immediately, so I hope you are getting counseling to
understand the deeper issues that have been inflicted on you.
I will touch on a few of the items that were raised and hope
that they can bring you some measure of peace and keep you from killing your
mother.
Abuse
Men such as your father are seriously disturbed, for varying
reason, be it medical, sociologically or otherwise and these men require
treatment. Unfortunately our society
being such as it is where the fear of ‘exposure’ is seen as a stain on the
family reputation and not on the person’s means that many such abuses are being
kept under wraps. As I noted above this is not something that can be rectified
on the pages of this blog, instead I would advise you to see a counselor to
fully explore the repercussions of this.
Complicity
I am sorry to also say that you mother also seems to have
some serious emotional and psychological issues, that might stem for either
abuse when she was also young or alternative a sociological issue. You cannot
heal her and the best you have done as a start was to confront her, the next
step if she and you are both willing is to go to counseling.
I know that you will be disinclined to sit down and talk to
this woman without some explanation that will satisfy you, but unfortunately
she wouldn’t have one, until she can accept and understand that what she has
done is wrong.
35 and unmarried
I could sweep this under the carpet and say that the reason
you are unmarried is because you were raped by your father, and that is a part
of it. However, a greater part of it is that due to what happened to you, there
is a break in what you consider a trusting relationship, again until you can
come to term with what has happened to you and accept that not all men are like
your father this will continue to plague you.
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