Loving an older woman

Dear Pink Mafia,

I am a 20 year old man who’s in love, unfortunately for me my love is rather unusual.  I am in love with a friend of my mother’s, and she is 53 years old.  I have always known Mrs R, she’s been a friend of my mother for as long as I can remember however about 2 years ago after she separated from her husband she began coming over more often and we began speaking, before I knew it, we had started an affair.

2 years on she is ready to divorce her husband and we want to be together, my concern though is that despite what everybody says about cougars and how older love is better love, I want to be with this woman, but I don’t know how to tell my mother and how do we explain to her children (who are my age) that this is the new family dynamic.

Desperately loving an older woman

Dear Desperately Loving,

I am sorry to say you are not in the right country to be ‘loving’ an older woman openly. In many places in other parts of the world (that is not Nigeria) an open relationship with an older woman particularly one in her middle ages is not considered a taboo, in fact many Hollywood relationship in recent time seems to thrive on the discrepancy age, however in Nigeria the truth is a young man in love with an older woman is not easily accepted, if ever. 

To discuss the full spectrum of your love for this older woman would take so much space but would really not answer the deep cultural and sociological issues we face in Nigeria that makes this type of relationship so difficult, so what I will do is to answer the questions you asked above.

How do I tell my mother?

Telling your mother will depend on the type of relationship you have with her, and also how liberal your parents are. Dropping this sort of news on your mother can be shocking, because other than Mrs R being her friend, she also has expectations of the sort of life she wants you to have, and if she’s a typical Nigerian mother that includes a wedding and grand children which her friend might not be able to give.

Irrespective of the above, I can pretty much guarantee you that there is going to be a lot of bad feelings stemming from the fact that this was going on behind her back and under her nose and joined by the fact that the relationship is with a friend of hers and your possible implications in the divorce of her friend. All of this, coupled with good old fashioned, ‘what would my friends and family think of me, that I raised a child who would rather be in a relationship with someone my age rather than a young woman’, is bound to make this a very difficult time for all involved.

How do we explain to her children (who are my age) that this is the new family dynamic?

In this you face the same situation as telling your mother. Her children already have knowledge of you either as a play mate or the son of a family friend, so you coming into the family as their mother’s partner  will NOT be accepted automatically if ever.

Their mother will have to sit them down and explain the changes that have occurred in her life and her decision to be with you. There will be many questions on who strayed, why she decided to begin a romantic relationship with you and many who, what, whys, and wherefores.

Warning

This is a bold step you are taking and one I hope you are undertaking with deep thought, but you have to be sure that this is what you want to do. You cannot make this decision based on youthful exuberance disguised as love,  there are many lives that will be compromised.

I also think that it is important that you sit down with Mrs R, and understand what taking this step might mean for both of you, isolation, demonization, insults and maybe being ostracized from the life you once knew and loved.