What's Love Got To Do With It?!!

So one of our intrepid members on Facebook (big ups Elon) mentioned during one of our discussions that ‘is sex the goal of a relationship’?

Good question.

Like all discussions about sex and relationship, at one point the question becomes what has sex got to do with a good relationship but also what has love got to do with good sex?

On an average day millions of men and women are getting it on, not for love, but for the pleasure and satisfaction, and they are not thinking about love or emotional connectedness, they are focused on pure pleasure, so is this sort of sex wrong? Also when a couple have angry sex and claim it’s the best sex ever; does this make their relationship shoddier?

The truth is sex had in love does have a different, deeper flavor to that had in the heat of want,  I know this to some people is sacrilegious after all most people’s best sex has not been with people that they love. In fact most of the sex they have had in love has been boring and pedestrian. Like most things sex had the same way at the same time with the same emotional, physical and mental baggage will be boring, you have to shake things up!  What sex in love gives you (or should give you) is a feeling of trust, acceptance and the willingness to experiment.  The truth is more often than not for a lot of couples, it brings negotiation, accusations and obligation.

On the flip side sex without love has its own thrills, from the experimentation with a new partner to the surprise of what might be discovered, sex without love is what often makes both men and women revel in the unknown.

The problem with both types of sex is that people often forget that neither fulfils what an individual is looking for it they themselves don’t know.  Many people use sex as a substitute for comfort, affection or acknowledgment and often find themselves on the other side of good sex which is; pity sex, sad sex, or worst of all disappointed sex.

So if anybody asks you what ‘love has to do with it?’ tell them nothing but it doesn’t hurt any!

Pink Mafia Featured in Femme Lounge!

Check out our feature!!!

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Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage by John Piper

Below is a mail that was sent to me by an ex beau, and despite the fact that we parted ways these questions are, I believe intrinsic to understanding your relationship as a couple. 

So for once we will be doing less SEX and more RELATIONSHIP.

Theology

What do you believe about...everything?
Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing
process? How do you handle your holy book?

Worship and Devotion
How important is corporate worship? Other participation in religious life?
How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
What is the importance of music in life and worship?
What are your daily personal devotional practices? Prayer, reading,
meditation, memorization. . . . . .
What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about
our lives and future?

 

Husband and Wife

What is the meaning of headship and submission in the holy book  and in our
marriage?
What are expectations about situations where one of you might be alone
with someone of the opposite sex?
How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes,
yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household
stuff?
What are the expectations for togetherness?
What is an ideal non-special evening?
How do you understand who and how often sex is initiated?
Who does the chequebook—or are there two?

Children
If and when, should we have children? Why?
How many?
How far apart?
Would we consider adoption?
What are the standards of behavior?
What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes
before they’re...whatever?
What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?
What signs of affection will you show them?
What about school? Home school? Religious school? Public school?

Lifestyle

Own a home or not? Why?
What kind of neighborhood? Why?
How many cars? New? Used?
View of money in general. How much to the church?
How do you make money decisions?
Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between? Why?

Entertainment
How much money should we spend on entertainment?
How often should we eat out? Where?
What kinds of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines
be for the kids?

Conflict
What makes you angry?
How do you handle your frustration or anger?
Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
What if we disagree both about what should be done, and whether it is serious?
Will we go to bed angry at each other?
What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Work
Who is the main breadwinner?
Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home?
After kids?
What are your views of daycare for children?
What determines where you will locate? Job - Whose job, Place of worship? Family?

 

Friends

Is it good to do things with friends but without spouse?
What will you do if one of you really likes to hang out with so and so
and the other doesn’t?

Health and Sickness
Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that
could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders,
venereal disease, etc.)
Do you believe in divine healing and how would prayer relate to
medical attention?
How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?
Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?

Tips and Tricks for going Down on HER.

A friend of mine when they saw the guide to BJ’s asked me ‘when will you write about going down onto the altar of SHE’.  Now being a woman and a woman who believes that every good turn deserves another here are a few tips and trick for making her feel loved, wanted and howling all night long.

Going down on a woman is not a just plug and play routine, there is a lot of teasing, licking and just plain loving that is required.

1.       The first approach to a woman’s pussy could be with your fingers, which you use to stimulate and feel around lightly.  This has a 2 way appeal, one it shows how wet she is the second is allow you to roll her clit in your hands.

2.       Make you way down and when you approach with your mouth lick lightly around the labia (the outer part) and explore layer by layer.  Do not just stick your mouth on the pussy and suck like you are looking for candy that comes later.

3.       Use your tongue to guide you to the clitoris, and lightly lick it, you can also use your nose to nuzzle before you get there just as a light stimulant, you can also at this time apply some more suction to the clit at this time

4.       Its important to hold her legs apart because clasp of a woman’s thighs against the head can be vice like

5.       After exploring the outside put your tongue inside her and lick/ suck in alternative motions

6.       Putting of your finger inside her when you are sucking her clitoris is also encouraged but to really get her going insert you finger into the pussy and curve it forward, you will feel a spongy pad about 3cm up press on this lightly, you just found the G spot!

7.       The clit is not a chew toy, it’s a nerve and like all nerves if you get on it something will hurt, so deep breaths, long licks, and deep thrusts with the tongue

Women,

Some home truths

Just like it’s disgusting to give a BJ to a man who doesn’t understand the concept of personal hygiene, the same goes for women, clean it out.

Just because you clean it out does not mean you flood it with perfume, spraying on perfume on your pussy can encourage yeast infections. Also the spraying of perfume on your pussy can be painful and is bitter when your partner goes down on you.

When he hold your leg apart, I know its hard not to want to crush his face to you, but remember he's only human and you want him there again

Finally if he isn’t doing it the way you like it, tell him, if you want more penetration, more licking or sucking, talk.

We Are Married So Is It Rape?

I’ve been married for a little over 3 years and I dated my husband for 9 months before we got married, and during our married life together we’ve been happy, well I had been happy.

The problems began about a year into our marriage, despite the fact that I am a sexually active woman when I want to have sex, I have seasons of high sexual libido, sometimes I am so hungry for sex and can’t get enough of it, other times; I have absolutely no interest in sex.  I had made my husband aware of this before we married and he seemed to have no problem with it, but post marriage, he’s behavior became strange.

The first time it happened was about 9 months into the marriage, I was getting ready for bed and when he came to me I told him I just wasn’t feeling it, he’s response was ‘I’m your husband  you always have to feel it’, I decided for the sake of peace to get on with it and we had sex. After this he didn’t make any demands on me and we had sex as and when with no more tension if I was not in the mood.

However things took a turn after about 3 months when again I was not feeling sexual and he wanted to have sex. This time I was adamant that I did not want to and to be honest after a stressful few days at work I really wasn’t in the mood.  Again he said that he is my husband and that I must be in the mood, I refused and he held me down, started kissing me on the mouth, the breast, and even went down on me.  When he then wanted to penetrate me I said no, that I did not want this, but he did penetrate.

At first I was very traumatized by the whole thing, feeling that if I said no it meant no, but I spoke to some friends and they listed the following reasons why its couldn’t be rape:

·        I was married, so I am obligated to give sex to my husband to keep him from temptation

·         I was wet and aroused so I must have wanted to have sex

·         He went down on me, most husbands don’t go down on their wives after marriage so he must really love me

·         He wants to have sex with me why am I being prudish

Since then I am resigned to at least once in 2 months, having sex with my husband in this manner even though I say no and more and more, I feel that something is not right. At the same time I don’t want to lose my husband because my sex drive does not tally with his.

The above was a case that was brought to me by a patient who is not sure if she is being abused or not, however she feels something is wrong. I am opening the case up to you, what do you think?

In Sex Which Race is Better, White or Black?

I recently had a encounter with a Nigerian man who had married a white British woman, and before you begin going for the old he married her for the passport joke, let me assure you he is a British citizen and does not need that.

During our discussion we inevitably landed on the path of why he married this white woman, and he's answer was that white women have less sexual inhibitions and are more likely to initiate sex. As a sex counsellor I had to comment that this is not the case, that both of the things he mentioned is actually based on confidence and comfort level, to which he replied 'the white woman already has the confidence in her sex and sexuality, I don't have the energy to be chasing born again virgin'.

Our conversation continued until another Nigerian man joined us, now he had married a Nigerian woman and he's take was that he did not want a woman who knew more than he did in bed, because it stands to reason that she has had many partners and he did not want 'aloku aso' second hand clothes. For this man the black woman who is willing to be led and who is willing to learn only from him is best.

The conversation took a more interesting turn when 2 women joined us, one was white and the other black, and as you can imagine, the question of size made a play, are black men really bigger than white and is there a difference in the sex.

The consensus among the women was that it wasn't so much that the black men were bigger, but instead it felt 'firmer' and while the white men were softer they seemed better able to use, manipulate and ask for direction, something the black men in their experience were disinclined to do .

So the question is, in the practice of sex, is black really better or is white the way to go?