Not Perfect, Just Good Enough

Dear Pink Mafia,

I just ended my last relationship and I began thinking about my love life over the last 10 years (I’m 28) and I am stuck, I don’t understand why any of those relationships have not stuck, why I’m still single and searching despite my desperate want to be in a relationship . I’m kind of good looking, intelligent, I have a good job, I can cook, I dress well, I am all the things that men say they want in a wife and I can’t even get together a long lasting relationship (ok I might have to work on the humility thing).

In an analysis of my love life, I found that I have never had a long term relationship, honestly my longest relationship was 4 months and even with that I felt the relationship really ended 2 months in and I just hung on for the extra 2 months so I don’t follow the same pattern. I have been cheated on, lied to, one boyfriend hit me; one ran off with a friend, the list of what has been done to me is endless, but while those things have affected me, I honestly feel that I am open to a relationship. My friends say that I’m looking for a perfect man, but I’m not, I just looking for one that is good enough.

Dear Good Enough,

The search for love, is one of those things that has baffled everybody from time in memorial. While we search for it, sometimes we forget that it is a chemical reaction (which everybody wants to experience), the ultimate truth is that the search for love begins with the individual, are you looking to fall in love, or are you looking to walk into it with your eyes wide open and willing to take whatever might come?

Love is not delicate its very difficult, so a few questions for your to consider, What are you putting out there, what challenges are you facing that is causing you to not have a long term relationship, what are you really looking for and is that what you are asking for when you meet these men.

What are you putting out there?

Even though we as women are all that and a bag of chips, we sometime have an invisible sign held up saying I don’t need you, I’ve been hurt and I don’t trust you and many other subliminal messages that while in the beginning might be a challenge for a man, after a while it becomes a road block to them communicating with you and wanting to be with you.

Overcoming these signals takes a conscious effort, but it doesn’t mean that you forgo all of who you are or minimize what you have achieved, however you need to balance out the messages you are sending out with the person you want to become. It’s easier said than done but ultimately it is a day by day, step by step plan, that with hard work you can achieve.

What challenges are you facing?

The challenges I mean are not the men’s reaction to you but the challenges that have shaped who you are. There have been hurts and disappointments and while you have overcome them and tried to work around them, they are still there and they have not been dealt with, so whenever you go into a new relationship you drag the baggage of your past with you. If you really want to get a meaningful relationship in your life, deal with it or let it go, however don’t forget the lessons learnt us them to make better choices and decisions.

What are you looking for?

Women are not always honest with themselves, we say we want a tall, dark handsome man, but we don’t need him to be rich, or have a car, we can work with him and grow with him etc. The problem is that when you reach a certain age you are less likely to make concessions because you now want everything. You want a man who’s the full package and while you settle because you are accepting good enough the truth is that you are really holding out for perfect. So you know it not going to work from the beginning, but you really believe you can settle, but you are unhappy, and after a while you begin to sabotage the relationship because it’s not what you want.

The truth is if you accept that you want what is perfect for you, then you will only date those that are perfect for you. Unfortunately, since every woman out there is also seeking perfection, as they have been brainwashed to believe in romance books and movies, you might consider making a list of what you want in a man. Be truthful, it doesn’t matter if what you want is a kink, or a support or even the moon, nobody can see it except you and God. When you have the list, review it with an eye on reality, not that you settle, but be honest about your life and what is out the. If you don’t have any contact with the Hollywood glitterati, a NBA super star, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and the chances of that ever happening are like NIL, work with what you have so that you can achieve your personal success.

When all is said and done, life is about self realization and also answering the most difficult question, so ask yourself truly are you ready to be in a meaningful relationship, or are you just trying to be like everybody else. If it is the former then let go of the old aches, pains and disappointment and move into your future, if it’s the latter be honest and live in your now, not everybody is married by 21 some marry latter and because of that they feel the love more deeply.