I would never date, marry or f**k a …………………….. man!

It interesting how despite many Nigerian women talk, about their wanting to meet someone and settle down, the physical and financial limitations placed on this requirement is astronomical, below are a few of the Nigerian woman’s I will never date, marry or f**k list.

I will never date, or F**K a Fat Man, but I will marry him.

Fat men like fat women in our culture tend to be viewed with slight awe and disgust. While in the earlier part of our civilization before our dear Western compatriots came and told us Fat would give us high cholesterol, heart attacks and any other number of diseases, a well padded body was considered healthy, wealthy and wise (ok scrap the wise but they were thought to be wealthy).

Now for a lot of modern women, an overweight man is generally seen as mentioned above as being slovenly and is not someone that they want to necessary been seen out in public with until the ring has been gotten and you can claim you are the one making his life better.

Dating – how can I go out in public with a FAT man? What would people think, they would think that the only sort of man who would want me is one that would suffocate me in his sleep, or one’s who’s backside can cover 3 cinema seats?

F**k – if I am under him, he might suffocate me with his massive girth, if I’m on top I might make him work too hard and then he will have a heart attack…… what if he falls asleep and dies from sleep apnea?

Marry – Well if I can manage to keep him alive during the sex and not be seen in public with him until after the wedding, at least I can say I’m now married to an obviously well off man!

I would never MARRY a Short Man, but I’ll DATE and F**k him.

Oooooh the pocket rockets, Harvey Smallbangers, Short stuff basically any man who is 5’6 and below are an interesting take for the average Nigerian woman.  To be honest many men in Nigeria are not growing as tall as they should be, the average Nigerian man is 5’7, 5’8 and the average Nigerian woman is 5’5. Based on law of averages and high heels the average height of a Nigerian woman becomes 5’8 or if you are one for 5 inc heels 5’10, so how do you reconcile the high difference, and more importantly what if you have a child, they could end up being 4ft tall?!

Date – This isn’t bad, afterall, he’s somebody to take places and if he has some money, he can afford to spend some on you, however if you are one of those women who is over 5’6 a short man can sometimes be for a short time.

F**K – What’s sex between friends, after all the sex is not for procreation and if Smallie can rock the boat why not take advantage of it. Of course sometimes you do it just to find out if Small equals Big down there or is the size comparable to the frame

Marry - Well while dating and f**king was fun, the prospect of being married to a man who you can see the top of his head when you are sitting, is not always the road to a life long relationship, but if he is cash rich with huge potential why not. However if you are also on the small side, you could end up with a child that’s 2ft tall. (Of course if you are a 6ft and over woman and you marry a 5ft tall man, you could end up with just the right sized child height)

I will F**K a Poor, Muscled Man but never date or marry him

A hot, tall, good looking, 8 pack rocking, hard bunned guy who is unfortunately poor as a church mouse. Don’t get me wrong he is educated and has a job, just not a good money making job and he is predisposed to making stupid choices such as wanting to become a model at 35, or wanting to break into the music industry (at the same age) or worse still has never had a job but is the most over educated pretty layabout you ever saw. How do you recompense the visual beauty that you can see with the reality which is you are going to be paying for everything even the condoms when you get together.

Marry – He’s fine, rocking that body but you can’t marry him because you want someone to pay for the ride, the Brazilian hair and waxing, to take care of you, after all you have been taking care of people all your life, and what will this man bring in. Even something as simple of taking you to a movie would be too expensive and you will spend the whole time going to his mother’s house to watch a N150, DVD, on an old style tv on plastic covered settee.

Date – Like marrying, dating would be a cash trip that requires you to always dig your hand into your own pocket. From buying the condoms to paying for the Mr Biggs food, dating this man is bad for your pocket but good for your aerobic health.

F**K -  Well if you are going to date a poor, hardbodied man why not take advantage of the up side which is having a hard riding session in the sack. Of course the truth is that even when you take him out in public you cannot go to a place that requires money being spent or around your friends who might ask, ‘ so what do you do?’ this is usually a recipe for disaster.

I would Date and Marry Over 85 year old man but never F**K him

Ok in these wonderful days where we now have Viagra and Nigeria being the extraordinary space where men old enough to be your great grandfather have no problems hitting on you and then having the gall to be pissed off when you reject them, just how far will you go with this one foot in the grave geezer.

Date -  Let it not be said that this is not a love match but on the off chance that it’s not a love match, dating this man would definitely provide you with if you are smart, a car, a house, holidays in exotic location, cash money (kindly make sure during this dating period if it doesn’t segue into marriage, the car, houses should be in your name, also don’t thing its gonna last forever so SAVE the cash). Also if you are seen in public together you just be very respectful and pretend he is a very elderly uncle.

Marry – Much has been said about marriage to an older man, after all its less likely you will be having sex with him all the time so you have more time to rest, go out with the girlfriends, spend the money.  Of course not all old men are ok for their young sexy wives to be running around town with the possibility of some young poor stud plugging the hole, so in that case you have to accept that you will never be far from his side at least until he’s dead. If that’s the case, make sure you are in his will, his family, kids etc have not gone to some babalawo to ruin your life because you took baba’s money. Or else that sex you did not have with him in life you will have to have in death.

F**K – There is nothing wrong with having sex with older men, and with Viagra you would at least get some bang for your buck but the issues is the DEATH BREATH. Yes you know how when you smell something from inside and you can smell the rot, well that’s the death breath. On the other hand theres the death rattle, that bit in the voice box that sounds wobbly and ready to crack, and with all that ‘exercise’ what if he ends up dead on top of you? What would you do?

So if you had a choice, who would you Date, Marry or F**K. Let me know by commenting below!

Not Perfect, Just Good Enough

Dear Pink Mafia,

I just ended my last relationship and I began thinking about my love life over the last 10 years (I’m 28) and I am stuck, I don’t understand why any of those relationships have not stuck, why I’m still single and searching despite my desperate want to be in a relationship . I’m kind of good looking, intelligent, I have a good job, I can cook, I dress well, I am all the things that men say they want in a wife and I can’t even get together a long lasting relationship (ok I might have to work on the humility thing).

In an analysis of my love life, I found that I have never had a long term relationship, honestly my longest relationship was 4 months and even with that I felt the relationship really ended 2 months in and I just hung on for the extra 2 months so I don’t follow the same pattern. I have been cheated on, lied to, one boyfriend hit me; one ran off with a friend, the list of what has been done to me is endless, but while those things have affected me, I honestly feel that I am open to a relationship. My friends say that I’m looking for a perfect man, but I’m not, I just looking for one that is good enough.

Dear Good Enough,

The search for love, is one of those things that has baffled everybody from time in memorial. While we search for it, sometimes we forget that it is a chemical reaction (which everybody wants to experience), the ultimate truth is that the search for love begins with the individual, are you looking to fall in love, or are you looking to walk into it with your eyes wide open and willing to take whatever might come?

Love is not delicate its very difficult, so a few questions for your to consider, What are you putting out there, what challenges are you facing that is causing you to not have a long term relationship, what are you really looking for and is that what you are asking for when you meet these men.

What are you putting out there?

Even though we as women are all that and a bag of chips, we sometime have an invisible sign held up saying I don’t need you, I’ve been hurt and I don’t trust you and many other subliminal messages that while in the beginning might be a challenge for a man, after a while it becomes a road block to them communicating with you and wanting to be with you.

Overcoming these signals takes a conscious effort, but it doesn’t mean that you forgo all of who you are or minimize what you have achieved, however you need to balance out the messages you are sending out with the person you want to become. It’s easier said than done but ultimately it is a day by day, step by step plan, that with hard work you can achieve.

What challenges are you facing?

The challenges I mean are not the men’s reaction to you but the challenges that have shaped who you are. There have been hurts and disappointments and while you have overcome them and tried to work around them, they are still there and they have not been dealt with, so whenever you go into a new relationship you drag the baggage of your past with you. If you really want to get a meaningful relationship in your life, deal with it or let it go, however don’t forget the lessons learnt us them to make better choices and decisions.

What are you looking for?

Women are not always honest with themselves, we say we want a tall, dark handsome man, but we don’t need him to be rich, or have a car, we can work with him and grow with him etc. The problem is that when you reach a certain age you are less likely to make concessions because you now want everything. You want a man who’s the full package and while you settle because you are accepting good enough the truth is that you are really holding out for perfect. So you know it not going to work from the beginning, but you really believe you can settle, but you are unhappy, and after a while you begin to sabotage the relationship because it’s not what you want.

The truth is if you accept that you want what is perfect for you, then you will only date those that are perfect for you. Unfortunately, since every woman out there is also seeking perfection, as they have been brainwashed to believe in romance books and movies, you might consider making a list of what you want in a man. Be truthful, it doesn’t matter if what you want is a kink, or a support or even the moon, nobody can see it except you and God. When you have the list, review it with an eye on reality, not that you settle, but be honest about your life and what is out the. If you don’t have any contact with the Hollywood glitterati, a NBA super star, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and the chances of that ever happening are like NIL, work with what you have so that you can achieve your personal success.

When all is said and done, life is about self realization and also answering the most difficult question, so ask yourself truly are you ready to be in a meaningful relationship, or are you just trying to be like everybody else. If it is the former then let go of the old aches, pains and disappointment and move into your future, if it’s the latter be honest and live in your now, not everybody is married by 21 some marry latter and because of that they feel the love more deeply.